Sex is whatever you want it to be!

I'm in quite a few Facebook groups that focus on specific sexual issues and I have been horrified by the amount of posts (particularly in the ED groups) that seem to shame various types of sex and sexual interest and bash anything that isn't penis in vagina sex.

Firstly, not every sexual encounter will involve a penis and a vagina so it seems ludicrous to me to favour this type of sex over any other (although I can understand why societies that push the heterosexual, having children message have done this for many many years and hopefully this is now starting to change!).

Penis in Vagina (PIV) sex is not better than another type of sexual interaction. No type of sex is BETTER than any other type of sex. Sex can be whatever you want it to be, whatever you find pleasurable on your own or whatever you and your partner (s) find pleasurable together.

Porn is not fundamentally bad.

Masturbating is not fundamentally bad.

Touching, oral sex, anal sex, sexting, kink of any kind, sex toys are all valid types of sex.

You are not bad or weird if you have a strong preference for any of these.

Sex doesn't have to last for hours and to be all whistles and bells to be "valid" (but it can be if you want it to be".

There is no right body type to enjoy sex. Your genitals don't have to look a certain way.

Sex can be the same thing over and over again if that's what floats your boat or it can be a variety of experimentation and new things. Neither option is more valid than the other.

Sex isn't more valid if it feels "spontaneous".

Sex isn't worse if you use lube or have cock rings or a penis pump. It's not wrong to use meds to help you get hard.

You are not bad if you enjoy a set number of sexual activities. Nor are you bad if you want to explore and experiment with all the sexual options your brain can conjure up.

It's not bad to have had loads of sexual partners. Nor is it bad to have had none or one.

You are not dirty or a slut if you really love sex and love experimenting. You are not frigid if you don't want sex or find sex difficult / anxiety provoking.

Our sexual preferences are formed by a multitude of factors. Our innate biology, our early sexual experiences and messages, society and religious views, trauma, things we see and read about, our partners, our personalities, our physical and mental health, our body capabilities......do what feels good for you.

As long as sex is CONSENSUAL (when everyone involves is HAPPY to be involved and is engaging of their own free will and it is clear that anyone can choose to stop whenever they want to without negative repercussions) then that's all that should be of concern.

Sexual difficulties can develop as a result of our sexual preferences for various reasons. These can include:

• if your sexual interests cause issues between yourself and your partner - this is a pretty common one and can be a sign of deeper relationship issues or can cause deeper relationship issues. Try to improve communication on your own first but if that doesn't help, consider seeing a sex positive therapist who will work with you both to find the best way forward.

• if your sexual interests stop you from achieving in other areas of your life eg if your preference for solo sex stops you from having the kind of relationship you want

• if your sexual interests make you feel bad / shame

• if your sexual interests become your sole focus in life

• sexual interests in things that are illegal ( if this is you, please be brave and access therapy and support!)

If you are experiencing sexual or emotional difficulties as a result of any of the above, why not give me an email : drnicholamarchant@gmail.com to discuss the different ways of working with me that can help you to overcome your sexual blocks.

I offer one-off coaching sessions, 5 session personal sex plans and short / long term therapy, all online so you can access me from wherever you are. I also offer various webinar / self help options.

Dr Nichola Marchant www.drnicholamarchant.com is a Chartered Clinical Psychologist & Sex Therapist in the UK who works online with individuals and relationship couples / groups on all issues sex and trauma related. Her work often (but not always) focuses on difficulties around shame. She is a sex positive therapist which means that she always works from a place of sex being healthy and important and emphasises a non judgemental and no shaming approach.

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