Is your past blocking your sex life now?

When people come to therapy for sexual issues, they've typically been having problems for a LONG time. Often a really long time. And that makes me really sad as they've been missing out on enjoying sex and feeling good about themselves for far too long.

They deserve better. It's also true that the longer the problems go on for the more entrenched they become however that doesn't mean it's pointless to get help. It might just mean that different approaches are needed or that change takes longer. But I'm a firm believer that change is always possible.

Anyhoo, back to the matter at hand. The impact of our past on our present (and then inevitably on our futures). I'm a keen advocate of exploring the past when it comes to current sexual issues, even if it seems at first glance there is no link at all between what is going on in the bedroom (or wherever it is you choose to do it!) and experiences growing up. Trust me, there will be!

Our brains and bodies are tricky little things that act like sponges, soaking in the things that happen to us, the things that are said to us, the thoughts we have, the physical sensations we have and the emotions that accompany all of this stuff. When it comes to sex (and by sex I am referring to all things sexual and not just intercourse with a partner) there are loads of things that can infiltrate our minds and bodies , some of which will act in a positive way towards sex and encourage us to go out and enjoy it and some of which will put the sexual brakes on. Sexual brakes are sometimes super subtle and sneaky and sometimes they smack us over the head so there is no ignoring them. When we explore the past (and by that I mean the stuff that happened 10 minutes ago right back to stuff that happened before you were born) we begin to piece together the fabulous jigsaw puzzle that is you and to understand who you are as a sexual being. Once we do that we can make plans to strengthen the good bits and tweak the bits that pop those cheeky brakes on!

So let's have a little think about the kinds of things that can cause the brakes to go on (when we don't want them to) and for some people to stay on. This isn't an exhaustive list of course more some suggestions and things that I commonly see with the aim of normalising your experiences and helping you to know that you are normal (whatever normal is) and that help is available .

• Negative messages about sex from family, community, school, culture, religion

• Negative messages about sexuality

• Family trauma

• Trauma of any kind

• Negative sexual experiences (of any kind)

• Incorrect sex education

• Sex education that ignores pleasure

• Sex education that focuses on cis het sex of the penis in a vagina kind

• Sex education that ignores consent

• Sensory issues

• Physical health problems at any point

• Body image issues

Difficult early experiences / messages around sex can then set the foundations of sex being tricky which then can set wheels in motion and our subsequent experiences then reinforce the foundations so they become stronger and stronger.

For example....someone grows up in a family where sex isn't talked about and has a sense of anxiety and shame around sex. When they start to masturbate as a teenager they feel anxious and shame which means that they learn to orgasm quickly as a result of anxiety but also as a way of not being caught. When they have sexual relationships with other people they feel an increased sense of anxiety and shame and ejaculate quickly. Their partner is disappointed / annoyed / upset which reinforces the feelings of shame and they become incredibly anxious that it will happen again. Eventually they withdraw from sexual relationships all together to try to avoid the sense of feeling crap about themselves.

In this example, you can see I hope that early stuff can directly impact on current stuff and then future stuff. When we understand this timeline ( which is often a lot more complicated than this example) we have multiple ways to intervene . As a Clinical Psychologist, my toolkit is full to bursting with techniques and strategies to help resolve the issues on as many levels as possible. So therapy for the person above might look like...

• helping them to understand how and why the issues have developed and that it's not their fault

• using approaches such as Schema Therapy or EMDR to work with the early memories and heal them

• Using Compassion Focused Therapy to work on issues relating to shame and self criticism

• Psycho-education to understand how sex and our bodies actually work

• Exercises to work on changing sexual behaviours between sessions

• Work on communication / relationship confidence

• Working on anxieties about the future.

Through this work we understand why the sexual brakes got out of control and learn how to have a healthy relationship with sex going forward.

If this sounds like it could work for you, drop me an email at drnicholamarchant@gmail.com

www.drnicholamarchant.com

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