Sex after Negative Sexual Experiences

I wanted to call this post "Sex after Sexual Trauma" however my experience of working with many people of all ages reminded me that lots of them don't recognise that things that have happened to them have been traumatic and / or caused them ongoing sexual difficulties.

To some people reading this, maybe that sounds odd. You might be thinking "how can you not know that you have experienced trauma?" and as always the answer isn't simple. We can often have a very black and white view about sexual trauma, and see in in terms of the things we read and hear about in the media.

We might associate sexual trauma with an attack by a stranger or abuse of a child. But sexual trauma is a much wider group of experiences than this. And people who have experienced ANY kind of sexual trauma can deny / avoid connecting with the notion of trauma as a way of surviving.

When it comes to my therapy work some people enter therapy with a clear sense of "please help me with my sexual trauma and how it impacts on sex". However this is a minority of clients. I more commonly see people (of all ages, sexes, genders) who are experiencing sexual difficulties (such as problems getting aroused, difficulties with orgasm, addictive / compulsive sexual issues - so in a nutshell ANY sexual problem!) and in the course of my assessment we will uncover negative sexual experiences. I ALWAYS ask "have you had any negative / not good / non - consensual experiences".

What is trauma?

We often associate trauma with certain events (eg war, car accidents, natural disasters) but trauma is more about how our brain and body interpret the event (s). This is really important to remember as it means that the things, we find traumatising can differ from person to person (although there are often commonalities).

Trauma happens when we are under immense stress / distress, fear for our safety and feel our lives are threatened. When it comes to damaging sexual experiences

The threat may be

Physical

Emotional

Psychological.

Trauma can happen at any age.

It’s important to recognise that someone does not have to touch us for us to experience trauma. We don’t have to be physically injured for something to be traumatic. So sexual trauma might involved physical contact or it might involve people saying things of a sexual nature or showing us things related to sex.

When we experience a traumatic event (or multiple traumatic events) our brain and body kicks into survival mode and does whatever it needs to do to stay alive. We often understand this in terms of the “fight, flight, freeze, fawn, flop responses”. The part of our brain that deals with survival is super-efficient and effective, but it happens automatically – we have no control over it.

This is really important to know this as I often hear people beating themselves up for how they responded in the midst of their trauma (s). “I should have run away”, “I should have fought back”, “I should have told someone” etc. However you responded to your trauma WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. It was simply your brain doing it’s job and making a split second decision as to which threat response would most be most effective AT THAT MOMENT.

This is why in the context of sexual trauma some people run away, some fight back, some freeze and dissociate, some try and appease their abuser….The decision your brain made (not you – the survival part of your brain) would have been based on all of the information available at that moment in time plus any past experiences that may have been similar. It will depend on where you are, who you are, your past experiences, who your abuser is and many more things.

An event that happens at one point in our life can cause a trauma response but if it happens at another it does not. So, a child might be more affected by a man exposing himself when she is on her own than an adult who experiences the same thing in a public place and knows to call the police. Conversely, a child may not understand what it means when a man exposes himself to her so may not be hugely affected whilst an adult may have a prior history of abuse so may be extremely affected. Nothing is ever simple when it comes to our brains!

Trauma responses are not just affected by us. They can also be affected by the responses of other people. Some people are able to tell others about their traumatic experiences. Some people are not. One type of decision is NOT better than another. Our decisions to talk about our trauma depends on so many variables

· What happened

· Who the abuser was and our relationship with them

· Our relationships with other people

· How people have responded when we have told them things in the past

· How we think they may respond again

· What we want to happen

· What we think / fear will happen

With certain types of sexual trauma in particular, we can often receive messages about going to the police but this is not a simple decision (is anything?). However you responded to your trauma and whoever you told I know that your responses and decisions were again guided by the desire to survive. No-one should tell you what to do. Whatever you did was right for you at the time.

Trauma can impact on us in many different ways. It can impact on how we feel, how we think, how we behave, our physical health and our relationships. Some ways in which we can be affected include:

Feelings

· Anxiety

· Anger

· Depression

· Shame

· Confusion

· Disgust

· Lonliness

· Empty

· Numb

Thoughts

· I am bad

· I am to blame

· I am dirty

· I am disgusting

· I am unloveable

· I am special

Behaviours

· Avoiding relationships

· Self neglect

· Eating issues

· Body image problems

· Addictive issues

· Risky behaviours

· Compulsive sexual behaviours

· Self harm

Physical issues

· Sexual problems (eg pain, problems with arousal and orgasm)

· Chronic pain type issues eg fibro

· Chronic fatigue

· Gynaecological issues

· Migraines

· Dissociation

Relationship issues:

· Avoiding relationships

· Feeling unsafe

· Trust issues

· Repeating abusive patterns with partners

· Relationships with people who have their own sexual issues so as not to pose a threat

Sex and trauma

It is completely normal for negative / difficult sexual experiences to impact on your sex life, sexuality and relationship with sex. It is also completely normal for this to fluctuate at different times in your life depending on how you are feeling physically and emotionally, who are having sex with and what you are doing sexually.

After sexual trauma (at any age) some people find that they do not want sex at all (which is of course absolutely fine and their choice). Some find that they want sex but that it always triggers difficulties (flashbacks, pain, dissociation etc). Some people engage in lots of sex and / or risky sex as a way to try to make sense of their experiences, to feel in control of their sexuality or perhaps to punish themselves. Some people will question their sexuality.

However, some people go through periods where it seems that they have a perfectly healthy relationship with sex and then it all of a sudden goes wrong. Sometimes this can be as result of things changing and trauma being re-triggered while for others it can be as a result of dissociation – there will be an extra workbook on complex trauma at the end of this course of sessions which will explain this in more detail.

When we have been traumatised by anything related to sex it makes sense that our brain then becomes hyper-alert to anything that might be similar. We are not always conscious of this process though which can mean sex makes us anxious but we don't know why.

So, anything associated with sex or the specific trauma (s) can trigger the threat system and put the brain into that “fight, flight, freeze etc”. As a result of this some people learn to avoid this distressed state altogether by avoiding anything remotely triggering (although this can be mighty hard for most people as triggers can be extremely subtle and also often really common).

Other people persevere with sex but only when they are under the influence of certain substances (alcohol to relax / block stuff out is a common one) or find that they dissociate during sex or find it hard to get aroused / orgasm or become distressed during or after. Lots of so-called sexual dysfunction occur as a result of trauma.

If you recognise that you have experienced negative / abuse / traumatic sexual experiences and you are having difficulties with anything sex related, it might be that you decide you would like to access some therapy (individual or couples`) to help you to work through these issues. It's important to know that not all Sex Therapists are trained and experienced in working with trauma so make sure you do your research to find someone who is equipped to help you in the way you need to be helped. As a Clinical Psychologist who has specialised in trauma and complex trauma I have the tools to help you safely work through the things you need to help you get to where you deserve to be.

www.drnicholamarchant.com

www.rubypsychologicalservices.com

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