Anxious about sex?

Anxiety about sex is pretty common. And it feels pretty gross.

When we get anxious we might want to avoid the things that make us feel like this. We might get hot and sweaty or feel cold and clammy. Our chests might feel tight and our mouths might get dry. Tummy issues and needing the loo are also common physical sensations that go along with anxiety. None of these physical symptoms are likely to make us feel sexy and in the mood.

Our thoughts when we are anxious can be overwhelming. They might race and get fixed on fears such as "what if it hurts" "what if I smell / taste funny" "what if I cum to quick". These thoughts mean that we get stuck in our heads preventing us from enjoying the physical sensations associated with sex. These anxious thoughts also make it more likely that we will want to avoid sex which then increases our anxiety. Phew! A real vicious cycle.

Anxiety about sex can happen at any time in our lives and can be caused by loads of different things. The best strategy for figuring this out is to find a sex therapist who you feel comfortable with to explore this stuff with in a safe and non-judgemental environment (on-line or in person). The kind of things that might lead to anxiety about sex include:

• Messages growing up that sex is bad / shameful

• Sexual trauma / negative sexual experiences

• Relationship issues

• Sex in an environment that feels stressful

• Physical difficulties

• Hormonal changes eg menopause

• Not wanting to get pregnant

• Pressure to conceive

However this isn't an exhaustive list as our brains and bodies are complex things. It can be really easy into get into a loop of avoiding sex to try to avoid anxiety which then causes relationship niggles (or big issues) which then creates further anxiety. As well as feeling gross, anxiety can be exhausting.

The good thing about anxiety is that is typically responds well to therapy IF you find the right approach for you. Anxiety can be tackled in multiple ways and in therapy I will help people to address their anxiety from different angles. The strategies I use in therapy might include:

• Working on the root memory (that may or may not be associated with sex)

• Understanding the function of anxiety and how it works

• Challenging anxious thoughts in a compassionate way

• Exercises to reduce physical symptoms

• Exercises to increase sexual confidence

• Exercises to address the specific sexual issue eg Vaginismus, erection problems

This work might be done in therapy or at home and might include talking, writing, imagery and practical exercises. Integrating different approaches means that therapy can be targeted to you as an individual rather than following a specific formula. So, if you experience any anxieties around sex maybe now is the time to think about how to address them? Avoidance will make the fears seem bigger and stronger and will make sex seem more and more impossible. However with the right therapist to be your guide you can understand and face your fears in a safe way and achieve the kind of sex life that works for you.

Dr Nichola Marchant, BSc (Hons), DClinPsy, CPsychol is a Chartered Clinical Psychologist and Sex Therapist working online and in Derbyshire, UK. She offers an integrative approach to Sex and Trauma Therapy based on over 20 years experience and training. Therapy with Dr Marchant is both compassionate and direct and she balances the importance of providing a safe and nurturing space with challenging questions to ensure you get the most out of your sessions. If you are looking for a sex positive and kink friendly therapist to help you really get to the core of your difficulties and to build on your unique strengths then Dr Marchant might be the right therapist for you.

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