Sex and shame

In an ideal world, sex should be nice and easy, breezy. Relaxed and fun and full of pleasurable thoughts. emotions and physical sensations. Sadly, the human brain and the human experience is always flipping complicated. Shame is one of those emotions that really complicates it. Shame can make sex heavy and dark (and not in a good, kinky kind of way) and drive us to self disgust and loathing (or more often than not perpetuate the sense of defectiveness that is already sneaking around inside us as a result of other non-sex related experiences.

So, shame is one of those emotions that is associated feeling bad about OURSELVES. It's not a "oops that was a bad thing I did, I best not do it again" kind of feeling (that would be guilt). It's a "I am terrible, I am disgusting, I am bad" kind of feeling. No good can come out of feeling like that about ourselves (unless of course that's your kinky thing and if it is good for you! That's not what I am talking about here, I am talking about those who feel shit about themselves and then hate the fact they feel shit about themselves which makes them feel even more shit. You get the idea I am sure).

No-one is born feeling shameful. No-one is born hating themselves or beating themselves up or feeling they deserved to be punished. Shame comes from other people and the way they talk to use and treat us. As a starting point then, feeling shame is NOT YOUR FAULT. However this doesn't mean that now as an adult it's not your responsibility to try to get yourself to a place where you feel better about yourself.

Sexual shame as you can imagine can come from loads of different places. For some people it's the messages you receive from religion and culture in which case the messages might seem big and strong and everywhere. For other people the messages are quieter but no less damaging, The's messages might have come from a parent (for example if they caught you masturbating to porn as a teenager) or from a partner (for example if they laughed at your genitals or seemed shocked when you told them your sexual fantasies). Words used by professionals such as "sexual dysfunction" can trigger shame.

The triggers might seem huge and important to you or they might seem silly and insignificant (and reinforce more shame) but the upshot is the same - you feel crap about yourself and sex. And I don't want you to feel like that! You deserve better.

If you feel shit about yourself and sex you WILL struggle to get aroused or to orgasm or to have healthy relationships in ways that feel good and fulfilling. You might find that you avoid all things sexy altogether (even solo sex) or you might find that you get stuck in a cycle of self destructive and self punishing sexual behaviours.

When working with sexual shame, my approach as always is based on a really thorough assessment process in which I want to know ALL about you and your life. This helps me (and you) to identify what ways of working might suit you best, how the issues developed and also your strengths! It also helps us to firm up where you want to be.

Integrating different approaches is crucial for me. My triple threat of main therapies I use were never designed to be used for sexual issues but they are absolutely awesome at this job!

I use Schema Therapy to help heal vulnerable child parts and to enable you to let go of your self critical parts and to move away from using sex to self soothe in a damaging way. The aim of schema therapy is to help strengthen your healthy adult part who can enjoy sex that works for you.

I use EMDR therapy to process trauma and negative life experiences and to build new positive core beliefs about yourself. Goodbye "I am bad", Hello "I am good enough and healthy and can enjoy sex" or whatever is relevant to you.

Compassion Focused Therapy is a great tool for reducing shame and self criticism too. I use this approach to help you to nurture yourself and to be kind to yourself ( even if when we start working together you are adamant that you can't do this and you don't deserve compassion!).

You don't have to suffer alone with this stuff. Sex isn't bad. Sex isn't dirty. You are not disgusting. It doesn't have to be like this forever. Give yourself a chance to have a healthy relationship with sex and a healthy relationship with yourself.

www.drnicholamarchant.com

drnicholamarchant@gmail.com

#sextherapist #overcomingshame #sexualshame #sexaddiction #compulsivesex #sexualdysfunction #vaginismus #emdrsextherapy #schematherapy #cft