Why orgasms can be hard to achieve

There seems to be a tendency to believe that men find it easy to orgasm while women find it a lot harder. (I've yet to find any info on non-binary people so I need to have a look around on this area). These stereotypical views of men and women and sex cause huge issues.

There are loads of reasons that orgasms can be hard to come by. Struggling once in a blue moon is completely normal. It's hard to cum when you are tired or distracted or poorly or really pissed off with your partner. When we know it's normal we can accept that it happens and that it isn't a big deal.

When we don't know or accept that it is normal it's really easy to set in motion a vicious cycle where we don't orgasm and then we worry that we didn't orgasm or beat ourselves up which means that next time we try to have sex of any kind it becomes even harder to orgasm. Tbh, it can make it hard to get aroused let alone climax and so set in motion a whole load of sexual issues that become more and more entrenched.

Anyway. Struggling to orgasm occasionally is normal. It doesn't mean you are a failure. It doesn't mean that you don't fancy your partner.

But what if the orgasm difficulties are repeated? Or perhaps you have never managed to climax?

• Are you on any medication? Certain meds (anti-depressants for example) can make it hard to orgasm - check this out with your GP. GP's can sometimes be dismissive of sexual issues however having a healthy, happy sex life is really important to lots of peoples emotional health and relationships. Do NOT let your GP fob you off.

• Do you have a trauma history / tendency to dissociate? In order to be able to orgasm we need to be connected to our bodies. When we dissociate its hard (impossible) to orgasm as we have floated off somewhere else in order to manage the things that our brains and bodies feel are threatening. This can be particularly relevant to those with a history of sexual trauma but lots of people learn to dissociate growing up.

• Can you orgasm on your own? If so, it's possible that the difficulties are to do with how you relate to other people / your partner. Are you worried about getting pregnant, does orgasm make you feel vulnerable or out of control?

• Do you know what you enjoy sexually and how to orgasm? Are your body and brain on the same page when it comes to sex?

• Have you become accustomed to only orgasming when watching certain porn or when doing certain sexual activities? Have you inadvertently trained your body to climax to a specific type of touch when masturbating that isn't readily replicated when with a partner?

• Do you have sensory issues that block you?

• Do you worry / feel shame about your sexual interests that block you from relaxing and enjoying the moment?

Sex therapy can help you to explore the reasons for the difficulties that you are experiencing. With the right therapist you can feel safe to make sense of the issues that make you feel vulnerable and learn skills to overcome your blocks. This is likely to involve a combination of talking therapy and exercises on your own (and possibly with your partner) to help you to get to where you want to be. This shouldn't be about porn bashing. masturbation banning, shame increasing. This should be a sex positive experience that helps you to feel good about yourself, to accept yourself and to have the kind of sex that makes you feel great!

Dr Nichola Marchant is a Chartered Clinical Psychologist & Sex Therapist working online. Specialising in all things sex, trauma and shame related she offers a sex positive safe space to help you to make sense of your relationship with sex and to achieve your goals.

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